kijungs gay ass vent blog :T

8/29/2020

hi lol. i dont really have many friends so i kind of want a place to vent that will be mostly private, not some shit like wattpad or ao3 lmao. and also i kind of want it to be lengthy so twitter is a no. so whatever. here you go.
8/30/2020
i fucking hate d.i.d i hate it so fucking much. not only is like everyone i know against me but even my own fucking system is against me lol! like i literally just fucking exist and they talk shit about me. even seok like dude youre a grown fucking man and im literally 14 haha keep my fucking name out of your mouth!! its just because im a little mean sometimes. like wow i wonder why i'd be a little mean when my only fucking purpose was to get fucking abused haha!! and then they fucking act like im so horrible and dangerous like ughh. just wish i could be a normal teenager lol why did my family have to almost kill me heheehe!!! i dont mean to be rude i really dont. i guess sometimes i feel like i need to so i dont seem like weak or something i guess. i dont even really know. i just hate this shit i hate it so fucking much.
9/1/2020
..remember how i said i have no friends hah? yeah. everytime im around everyone asks why. they all ask when seok will be back. once they even asked what things could trigger someoone else to front. im trying not to get emotional i feel like such a stupid baby right now why am i so fucking weak?? i just want them to like me. i just want friends. im sorry im so mean im sorry i really am. its not on purpose. i dont know why i do it i just start being mean to someone and i cant stop and i just blow up at everyone else. more than anything i just want a fucking boyfriend. i feel so stupid actually saying that but its true. what am i supposed to think? every guy thats been in my life has fucking hurt me i just want to meet one good one lol. one that would like me. ive asked seoks boyfriend countless times but he tells me it'd be weird and that im too fucking young like ughh i mean i get where hes coming from and it is at least nice to be seen as like..an individual i guess and not just him going "well ur in seoks body and hes an adult so same thing". so idk. 
9/3/2020
i really do take everyone for granted. i feel so stupid about it. 
amuri has been dormant for like 3 months. i didnt think much about it until now and i never expected to miss him so much. i was too harsh on him. i was jealous. he got all the attention. he was the one in the system that everyone favored. people babied him. i hated it and i was too mean to him but now i cant stand it i just want him to come back.
i feel really horrible about all of this. 
9/13/2020
wowww amuri fronted for a sec after seok got high on meth thats just fucking lovely i love being a system wow!
fuck that guy seriously ugh 
9/15/2020
lol that moment when the host of ur system gets fucking high off meth after talking to ur abusvie dad and then oh what a fucking surprise they get triggered as shit and youre forced to front lol!! and then when u try to stab yourself everyone tries to make YOU feel like the bad guy hahah thats so fucking cute!! lol he told me he wishes i went through with it im seriously so fucking tired of this cunt. im tired of all of them. i dont fucking understand why they treat me like a fucking outcast. then he texts all my friends like "sorry its okay he was just freaking out!" ITS NOT FUCKING OKAY HAAHFJHSH FUCK YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF i really fucking hate him. i try not to be so insulting but i cant stand this anymore he only fucking cares about himself and doesnt make any effort to try to improve shit. i dont even think he cares how it affects anyone else. and any fucking time i complain violet fucking guilt trips me. "we make you front because youre more emotionally equipped to deal wif this stuff smh seokie is emotionally disabled he might kill himself :'(" boo fucking hoo im literally 14 and youre forcing me to front after this dude is high off fucking meth like are you fucking insane?? then you wonder why i'd be acting weird while i'm literally dealing with effects from a substance i didnt even fucking want inside of me. fuck all of them i hate it here. i really do.
9/19/2020
so um...ikki said he has a crush on me????? he said he was too nervous to talk to me in headspace he just wrote on a memo about it and i just? okay i got a little flustered i dont really get complimented or called cute and stuff often. it did make me feel really happy
9/21/2020
OKAY SO AAA im cyfrirng EE okay so me and ikki were tlaking in headspace hes just so fucking sweet i cant even. its been like 2 days and already hes so fucking nice i jsut love the way he pats my head and calls me his prince ive just never felt that fucking loved i cnat. i dont think anyones ever hugged me as tight as he has. even just the way he says my name feels so special. i really cant believe how fast ive fallen so in love with him its just everything about him now that makes me go crazy. i dotn think ive smiled this much. everytime i blusehd or smiled and hid my face in my hands he teased me and i jst   kept smiling more ee. i dont thtink anyones ever even cuddled me the way he did 
9/24/2020
ive been frontstuck for 5 fucking days because seok just HAD TO TALK TO DAD AGAIN LOL!!! like he knew what was going to fucking happen oh my god. apparently shit was worse this time like what did he fucking expect??? im sorry im not trying to victim blame im just so fucking stressed. i cant take care of his kids or his dog i just cant ddeal with all this stuff. i just want to be in headspace and talk to ikki again im so fuckign tired of this shit. even when i was able to go back into headspace i realized no one else was fronting and my d.i.d is catatonic so basically the body just fucking went unconcious so that's nice! loved coming back to realize i was on the floor and i hit my head so hard i bled ughhh thats so cute. i already had a fucking migraine and now this lol :)))))). i just want to kill myself is it even fucking worth it at this point?? everything is going wrong. everyone tells me im good at handling things emotionally but i think thats starting to wear off. i just bottled everything up but i cant anymore. last night i was breaking down to my friend about everything and i think they really didnt know what to say but i just oculdnt stop i had to get all my feelings out because no one ever fucking lets me. im not allowed to fucking cry or complain or i get guilt tripped. i cant cry without feeling like im fucking weak. my mental health has been so fucking bad.ive been crying more than ever and i get triggered so often and my flashbacks get so fucking bad i start hallucinating and my ears start ringing. i relapsed in self harm because of it but i got guilt tripped for that too lol! its nice that when im in clear emotional distress everyone is mad at me but seok just fucking gets high off meth and drinks himself to sleep and they dont fucking say anything im about to fucking cry i dont understand what i did to deserve this???? i try my best i always fucking try my best but i get this in return. one day im just going to fucking do it lol im just going to shoot myself. i dont even care about anyone else at this fucking point. what, seok has kids to raise? he has friends that would be sad if he died? boo hoo i dont fucking care lol he shouldve thought about that beforehand lol